Hercules in New York

Hercules in New York
February 25, 1970
RAF Industries
Comedy, Fantasy, Action
VHS
B-

Arnold Schwarzenegger's first film is shared with a then more famous Arnold, Mr. Stang, who plays Pretzie the pretzel vendor.  Although Hercules has an onscreen girlfriend, the movie is actually more about the bromance between the two Arnolds.  Schwarzenegger is credited as "Arnold Strong," and in the version I taped off TV (and on initial release) he's badly dubbed.  The movie is sometimes known as Hercules Goes Bananas, and there is a continued debate within the film over this "Greek peasant's" sanity.  Of course, the real world of late '60s New York doesn't come across as any more believable than that of Mount Olympos.  The professor and his daughter (Herc's mortal main squeeze) are given dialogue that's even more stilted than that of the gods and goddesses, so it feels like the whole movie was translated.  That might explain why Samson (not Greek) and Atlas (who's supposed to be holding up the world) show up to assist Hercules in the big fight scene.  He's temporarily lost his "divinity," which means he can't lift more than 750 pounds.

I know, don't try to make sense of this movie.  Don't ask why a hot dog vendor chases Pretzie across the city to give him the sauerkraut for his hot dog.  Don't ask why Zeus has a foggy crystal ball, or why all the machinations of the gods and goddesses are explained at length and yet still make no sense.  Don't ask why Pluto (who has an offscreen Cerberus) rules a rather Christian hell and acts like a fop.  Don't ask why Mercury takes a helicopter, and then later flies on his own.  Don't ask why Nemesis has a Finnish accent.  Don't ask why the weight-lifting contest is televised in front of a yellow curtain, much expense spared (as throughout this movie.)  Don't ask why the gangsters are straight out of the '30s.  Don't ask why no one notices that Pretzie steals a pulp nonfiction book, or why a man forgives Hercules breaking his ribs.  Don't ask why there's an obvious panty shot and a drug joke in what IMDB categorizes as a "family film."  Don't ask why all the mortals have been directed to indicate surprise with dropped jaws and bugged out eyes.  And please don't ask why Hercules is fighting a man in a very obvious bear costume.

Dennis Tinerino, who plays Atlas, would be one of the musclemen in Americathon.  Schwarzenegger obviously went on to bigger and better things.  But this is probably the peak of Stang's career.