The Graduate XXX

The Graduate XXX
2011 (exact date unknown)
Cinnamon Productions
Porn, Historical, Comedy, Romance
Download
C-

Needless to say, when I reviewed the book (http://rereadingeverybookiown.blogspot.com/2012/07/graduate.html), I did not imagine  that three years later I would be giving a porn parody of it the exact same grade.  The flaws are very different, but let me first talk about what I like.  The movie is easily the funniest of the three Anthony Rosano parodies I own, much of the humor coming out of juxtaposition, whether the '60s look with a more modern sensibility, or the way that lines from the original movie appear in a hypersexual context.  (Mrs. Robinson still denies she's seducing Ben even as she gives him a blowjob!)  There's a cheesy montage of Ben and Elaine falling in love, paired with heavy-handedly suggestive visuals and no dialogue, and then later they claim to have exchanged important personal information during "the montage."  Also, the music is great, not just the instrumentals but the Simon & Garfunkel satires.  ("A Hazy Shade of Winter" somehow becomes scolding of Ben for not washing his fingers.)

The three leads are well cast, not just Rosano as nervous Benjamin Bradcock (ha ha) and India Summer as posh Mrs. Robinson (although the movie gets very lampshady when she says she's "twice his age"), but also Raven Alexis as a generally serious Elaine.  Both fathers/husbands (James Bartholet and Herschel Savage), although their hair is grayed up in a distractingly fake way, do well with their roles.  Ron Jeremy, as Mr. Braverman/ Bus Driver, has a funny bit about "plastic novelties."  Rod Fontana (Skinner of Sex Files) has a good scene as the Night Clerk playing deadpanly off of Rosano, but I could've completely done without the return of Evan Stone, here playing a creepy Bouncer.

Which brings me to what I don't like about the movie, which is, as with other porn parodies, unfortunately most of the sex.  (I thought at one point I might wind up a porn addict, but I was apparently buying porn for the wrong reasons.)  The sex here is mostly BDSM, which is definitely not my cup of tea, although at least it's not overly violent here.  I suppose it could be said that it's used to reveal Mrs. Robinson's character, that she's a bitch who secretly wants to be dominated, but then why do we also get Stone bullying the poor stripper?  As for the more vanilla scenes, the threesome earlier on isn't bad, but we don't find out until after the fact that the man is Elaine's cheating boyfriend.  (Lexi Belle, who was Sam's friend in the Who's the Boss parody, is one of the two baby-voiced coeds.)  The Ben and Elaine scene is the only sex I actually liked, especially since it pays off in a surreal moment when her boyfriend shows up and she claims Ben is just an old friend of the family, when it is extremely obvious they've just had sex.

In fact, quite a bit of the movie is surreal, to the point that I was half seriously considering using a "fantasy" tag.  Characters can suddenly arrive at lightning speed, like they've been Scott-Pilgrimized.  And for no reason at all, both sets of parents show up on the bus when Ben & Elaine run away.  They're not angry, they're actually quite cheerful, like this is all some Candid Camera stunt.  It makes plot holes like Mrs. Robinson's consequence-less seduction of Ben's mother after he falls for Elaine perhaps not matter.  Maybe this whole thing is just meant to be a drug trip, since there are scenes of drug use at the frat house (Delta Kappa Smegma, hee hee) of the boyfriend (Parker Cameron Stevenson, ho ho).  Or maybe the source material (both book and movie) never made much sense to begin with.

Different Strokes

Misleading video box.  There is no threesome, despite Jack's hopes.  There is a picnic though.

Different Strokes
June 25, 1998
Coastline Films
Porn, Romance, Drama
VHS
C-

This was released less than a year before Dana Plato died tragically at 34.  And, yes, the title is a cash-in on her sitcom (which was "Diff'rent").  So, yes, even watching the movie feels like exploitation.  That said, it's not as terrible as you might think.  OK, the sound recording is awful, the budget is low, the acting ranges from godawful to passable (sometimes within one performance), and the writing is, well, porn-level.  But there's something almost endearing about the cheesiness of it all, whether it's Jill #1 and Jill #2 (Plato) cavorting naked like dolphins in the swimming pool, or Jill #1's boyfriend Jack setting photos on fire in the BBQ grill after she's rejected him for Jill #2  (no one even mentions the negatives), or Jack calling Jill #1 a "muff-diver" and her retorting, "Takes one to know one!"

You've probably noticed by now that my porn collection, such as it is, is not exactly based on eroticism, but I found the sex scenes, well, hotter than in the X-rated Pinocchio or Fairy Tales.  There's both straight and lesbian, including a totally gratuitous (as in its relationship to the plot) scene of Jill #2's girlfriend cheating on her.  There's also a lot of eye-sex (long lingering glances), as a substitute for character development.  We do learn that Jill #2 is a feminist and Jill #1 is shy, but that's about the extent of it.  I may have more to say about this movie when reviewing the authentically lesbian Better Than Chocolate, but then again, how much is there to say?

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking

Annika's not even whiny!  And, no, that's not a plus.

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking
July 29, 1988
Columbia
Children's, Comedy, Musical, Fantasy
VHS
C-

Maybe it's generational bias, but I just can't get into this late '80s take compared to the badly dubbed but endearing European imports of my childhood.  The thing is, although this claims to be "new," there are a lot more adventures recycled from the Inger Nilsson series than from the books.  I'm pretty sure the cows eating Tommy and Annika's clothing only happens in Pippi on the Run, not to mention the appearance of that movie's "glue man" character, here played by Dick Van Patten.  What is new in this version includes things of dubious value: lots of songs, or rather a handful of songs repeated ad nauseam; a setting that's vaguely Florida in the Truman era; and Pippi facing setbacks that make me think Irving Thalberg came back from the dead and advised Ken Annakin.  The Pirate Movie director wrote and directed this, and we can see such PM touches as beefcake (Hello, Fridolf!), talking animals (one voiced by Frank Welker), an ice-cream salesman, and of course pirates.

The Thalbergization is seen in the way the title character (played by relatively over-the-hill but eager thirteen-year-old Tami Erin) is handled.  Yes, she still has strength, spunk, and magic powers, but she twice shows fear, something the book's Pippi (and of course Nilsson's) never did.  Worse than that, while the Pippi of twenty years ago successfully fended off the threats of robbers and a children's home, this Pippi ends up in an orphanage (run by Eileen Brennan, who can't decide if she's auditioning for Annie or playing a well-meaning overworked social worker).  There's an interwoven thread about evil real-estate developers (hey, things had changed in Florida in the 60 years since Cocoanuts) wanting Pippi's house.  Oh, and this was what really sunk the movie for me: even though Pippi has her traditional interest in art, she never brightens up Villa Villekulla when she gets out her painting supplies, and it remains drab and gray.

All that said, I don't hate this movie.  It's harmless enough, especially for kids under the age of maybe 9.

Ishtar

Ishtar
May 15, 1987
Columbia
Comedy, Action
VHS
C-

This isn't as terrible as you've heard, but that's not saying much.  It starts out fine, with Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty as two talentless musicians who dream of the big time.  (Hoffman thinks they can surpass Simon & Garfunkel, a nice little sort of reference to Hoffman's break-through movie, directed by Elaine May's former comedy partner, Mike Nichols.)  The songs, mostly cowritten by Ms. May and Paul Williams, are so bad they're good.  But then writer-director May, in the form of the guys' agent, played by Jack Weston (27 years after Please Don't Eat the Daisies) sends them to the title country, on the border of Morocco.  And I lose almost all interest in the movie.

In a way, May was trying to make an '80s answer to the Road to movies, but she set this in sort of the real world.  (Hoffman thinks Kaddafy is another country.)  And there's none of the fourth-wall-breaking we got with Bob and Bing.  Also, their Dorothy Lamour is a left-wing revolutionary who flashes her breasts when she's pretending to be a boy.  May could've done some astute political satire (this was released in the midst of Iran-Contra after all), but what we get is no sharper, or funnier, than in Warren's sister's John Goldfarb.  Also, if I can't decide whether I wish there was more of Carol Kane or I'm grateful for her sake that her character breaks up with Hoffman's and disappears from the movie, that's not a good thing.  Even the whole reversed expectations of Beatty being a loser with women doesn't really have any kind of pay-off.

My advice: watch the first twenty minutes or so and then maybe the last three.  (If you need to see Isabelle Adjani's breasts, they're fairly early on.)

Fred Melamed had small roles in both Hannah and Her Sisters and Radio Days, and here he plays Caid of Assari.  Bill Moor plays U.S. Consul here and would be Duke Vermont in Tune in Tomorrow....

Transylvania 6-5000

Transylvania 6-5000
Nov. 8, 1985
New World
Comedy, Horror
DVD
C-

Rudy De Luca is the main party responsible for this near monstrosity.  It's one of his few directing credits (the infamous Pink Lady...And Jeff  TV variety show is another), but he also penned Caveman and Million Dollar Mystery.  (He also plays Lawrence Malbot, the Wolfman's father I think.)  So sometimes the dumb humor works, but mostly it doesn't.  The movie doesn't work as Horror either, or Horror-Comedy, particularly with most of the scenes set in daylight.  So why did I get it on DVD?  (With De Luca's commentary no less!)  Well, it was cheap and I had blocked out things like the jokes that are as unfunny the tenth time as they are the first.

Here's what you can do to amuse yourself if you do end up watching this movie:

1. Count the performers who are over 6 feet tall:  Jeff Goldblum (6' 4 1/2"), Jeffrey Jones (6' 4 1/2"), Ed Begley, Jr. (6' 4"), Donald Gibb (6' 4", the Wolfman here and Mad Dog in Meatballs Part II), Michael Richards (6' 3"), Joseph Bologna (6' 1"), and Geena Davis (6').
2. Ogle Goldblum and/or Davis, both of whom show off their chests.  (They met on the set, so something good came out of this.)
3. Savor the irony of Norman Fell's (not over 6') celebration of "crap."
4. Enjoy every single rendition of the title song, from the rockin' version over the opening credits to the castle phone's ring tone to the folk tune towards the end to the closing not-exactly-Glenn-Miller big band take.
5. Wonder if Carol Kane (5' 2") is more embarrassed by her role as half of a hunchback couple with John Byner, or by her briefer role in the bigger bomb Ishtar.

Meatballs Part II

Meatballs Part II
July 27, 1984
TriStar Pictures
Comedy, Sci-Fi
VHS
C-

What can I say?  I saw this on an early date with my then-new-boyfriend-and-future-ex-husband.  We were 16 and 17 and we knew the movie was crap, but the alien plotline was sort of funny.  (There's also a Belmont Steaks pun that I got this time.)  This is only vaguely a sequel to the Bill Murray movie of five years earlier, although it is about two rival camps and their leaders: Richard Mulligan as Coach Giddy of Camp Sasquatch, and the aptly named Hamilton Camp, who has probably his biggest role in my movies, as Col. Bat Jack Hershey of Camp Patton.  The movie is only very marginally recommended if a) you want a better sense of what Wet Hot American Summer (2001) would go on to parody (the song played over both opening and closing credits manages to cram in every "summer" cliche it can), and/or b) you want to see the random cast.

Nine years and a Hello, Larry after Escape to Witch Mountain, 19-year-old Kim Richards does what she can with the role of virginal Cheryl, who has a Little Darlings lite plot of having to see a "pinky" by the end of the summer.  Rising slightly above the material are 36-year-old John Larroquette, right before he became a star on Night Court, and 31-year-old Paul Reubens, a year before Pee-Wee's Big Adventure (which I've seen but don't own), playing respectively a very stereotypical homosexual and a geek like you've never quite seen before.

This movie is sort of a reunion for Scavenger Hunters Mulligan and David Hollander, who was 14 at this point but lumped in with 12-year-old Jason Hervey and 10-year-old Scott Nemes, later of The Wonder Years and It's Garry Shandling's Show respectively.

Archie Hahn plays both horny counselor Jamie and the voice of Meathead the Alien.  Felix Silla (best known as Cousin Itt, but also appearing in Pufnstuf among other things) is the one in the alien costume.  Vic Dunlop tries to convince us he's a French chef; he was Ralph in Lunch Wagon.  Donald Gibb, who plays Mad Dog, would be Wolfman in Transylvania 6-5000.  Thirty-one-year-old Elayne Boosler, who's thanked in the credits, definitely does not look old enough to be playing the mother of a teenager, but she does have some almost-funny lines.

The Friday the 13th reference made by the Jive-Talking Black Girl Tula Washington (played by an actress who has absolutely no other credits) is an in-joke, as co-writers Martin Kitrosser and Carol Watson also did a couple movies in that series.

Don't let the poster fool you.

Roadie

Roadie
June 13, 1980
United Artists
Comedy, Romance, Musical
VHS
C-

The general idea for this movie isn't bad: Meat Loaf (as Travis W. Redfish) has inherited his father Art Carney's mechanical aptitude (the Redfish house is full of all kinds of gizmos, like a moving phone booth) and thus becomes, despite his reluctance, the greatest roadie in the world.  Unfortunately, the movie is too meandering and there's a very annoying leading lady, Kaki Hunter as Lola Bouillabase.  Also, the various musicians aren't given much to do other than show up, although Deborah Harry has a moment when she's eating with Mr. Loaf that shows what the movie would've been like if she'd been the love interest.  (She'd have a more interesting role in Hairspray, much later in the decade.)  Another performer who makes a slight impression is Soul Train's Don Cornelius, as concert-promoter Mohammed Johnson, who late in the movie decides to try to become the first black President.  It's a throw-away line, without follow-up, like much of the movie, except for Lola's tedious plans to lose her virginity to a seemingly indifferent Alice Cooper.  The only musicians who redeem themselves are Cheap Trick, twice singing the song with the Redfish motto, "Everything Works If You Let It."

Alice Cooper's wife Sheryl appears as herself, and she was in Sgt. Pepper as a dancer.  Hank Williams, Jr. also appeared in that movie.  Lenore Woodward would play a little old lady again, in Hamburger-- The Motion Picture.  Richard Portnow, who's First New York Wino, would be Sy in Radio Days.  This time Hamilton Camp plays Grady.

The Nude Bomb

The Nude Bomb (AKA The Return of Maxwell Smart)
May 9, 1980
Universal (obviously)
Comedy, Action
VHS
C-

And sometimes retaking stock of the '60s looks like this.  A big-screen sort of sequel to the once very popular 1965-70 TV spycom, this flopped on initial release, and it's not hard to see why.  Not that I agree with those who emphasize the "bomb" in the title, but it is a misfire.  To put it bluntly, it is just not that funny.  The only part that works is the last fifteen minutes or so, where the blend of comedy and action is finally well done.  (And the then-edgy topic of cloning ends up being less dated than expected.)  Don Adams, wearing platform shoes and flared pants that look more '74 than '80, does his best in his old role, but it's just not the same without most of his supporting cast.  Andrea Howard, as earnest as in Thank God It's Friday, also does her best, but yes, she's no Barbara "99" Feldon.  The movie is actually most interesting for its plug for its own studio and the famous tour (which as a Southern Californian kid I went on multiple times, usually with out-of-state relatives).  Also, dawn-of-'80s note, there are two young computer genius siblings, but the super-computer still fills most of the room.

Don Adams's cousin Robert Karvelas reprises his role as Larrabee and he was the diner customer that Annabel vents to in Freaky Friday.  Landlady Ceil Cabot was also in Freaky Friday, as Miss McGuirk.  Hospital patient Leslie Hoffman was in I Wanna Hold Your Hand.  Hap Lawrence, a sergeant major here, was a soldier in Rabbit Test.  Adam Anderson was not only the sobbing sailor in Rabbit Test, but he was a policeman in Scavenger Hunt, and he's one of the many pilots here.

Byron Webster was the restroom attendant in Scavenger Hunt and he's the English delegate here.  This time Vito Scotti plays the Italian delegate.  The American delegate, Walter Brooke, was Mr. Ames in The Big Bus.  The German delegate, Richard Sanders, is instantly recognizable as WKRP's Les Nessman, and he'd have a small but funny role in Valley Girl as the Drivers' Ed teacher.

Supply your own caption with one of the famous catchphrases.

The Wacky World of Mother Goose

The Wacky World of Mother Goose
December 2, 1967
Rankin & Bass
Musical, Children's, Fantasy
VHS
C-

While I grew up watching this as well as Mad Monster Party? on TV, it has aged even worse, perhaps because it uses flat animation rather than Cinemagic.  The look of the film was designed by one of my least favorite MAD Magazine artists, Paul Coker, Jr.  None of the characters, with the possible exception of M. Goose herself (designed to look a bit like Rutherford), have individuality or charm.  A particular failure is the "beautiful" Princess Harmony.  Even as a child, I found her noseless face and disproportionately huge hips strange.  It also bugged me (then and now) how often the default facial expression is a smile, even in totally inappropriate situations.  The only thing I sort of like in the animation is the landscape.

That said, I think this has a potentially stronger story than MMP, with the way the nursery rhymes are used to build a story.  (MMP's plot, such as it is, is that Baron von Frankenstein throws a party to announce his successor, and the monsters scheme against each other.)  Unfortunately, the whole thing of Mother Goose being away (beyond the moon, visiting her sister, who's got one of those porch-on-a-planet set-ups like the Blue Fairy and her mom in Pinocchio in Outer Space), and then having to come back as Goosus ex Machina wears thin.  I also didn't like the gratuitous sexism of the Jack & Mary "friendship," and how he's heroic and she does nothing but acquire her loyal lamb, who later leads Jack to the rescue.  It's as if Dorothy did nothing brave in Wizard of Oz, and Toto did only one brave thing.  Why can't they all be heroic?

The music is OK, and the title tune may stay with you, but then it is repeated a couple times.  Overall, you're better off watching MMP with low expectations than watching this at all.

Thunder Alley

Thunder Alley
March 22, 1967
AIP
Drama
DVD
C-

This is more of a drama than Fireball 500, although Annette does get a nice solo.  (Fabian again doesn't sing.)  Much of it is boring, but I was surprised by the relative depth to Annette's character and Diane McBain's, with the two rivals bonding despite their competition over Fabian.  McBain and Fabian have a racy (no pun intended) scene in a motel, racier than Frankie's with Julie Parrish.  They're both topless in bed, although she's got that movie-only thing of the sheet pulled up to her armpits.  There's also a wilder-than-a-beach-party party where one girl dances in her bra and miniskirt while another strips to nothing.  (We see her clothes flying but no actual nudity.)

Fabian is as bland as ever, but Warren Berlinger gets to be a "nice guy" turned wrong, and Jan Murray is pretty good as Annette's money-grubbing but good-hearted father.  However, the guys just aren't as interesting as Annette, who's out of character but still likable, even as she does amateur psychoanalysis, stunt driving, drunk driving, and man-stealing.

Surviving Beach Party crowd members are Ronnie Dayton, Guy Hemric, Luree Nicholson Holmes, Mary Hughes, Salli Sachse, and Rosemary Williams (the English girl in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini).  As in F500, they're not given much to do.

Announcer Sandy Reed was in F500 and would be in Speedway.  Baynes Barron also did F500 and would be in C.H.O.M.P.S.  Maureen Arthur, who plays Babe, would have similar blonde bimbo roles with a humorous side in How to Commit Marriage and The Love God?  I don't think I have any other Michael Bell movies, but he did make two memorable appearances as sleazeballs on Three's Company.

"So I said, if I sing in a movie, how can I be taken seriously as an actor?"

Fireball 500

Fireball 500
June 7, 1966
AIP
Drama, Musical
DVD
C-

When this movie started, I got my hopes up for a moment that Art Clokey had directed it, as I joked on my How to Stuff a Wild Bikini post.  Alas, it's just a bit of Claymation in a humorous opening that fails to set the tone for what is essentially a drama with some wisecracks and songs in it.  If Sgt. Deadhead and The Ghost in the Invisible Bikini are sort of cousins to the basic Beach Party series, this is a more distant relation, despite the cast and a script by director Asher and his frequent BP cowriter Leo Townsend.  I find racing boring, so it was guaranteed I wasn't going to like this.  Also Frankie flirts unsuccessfully with Annette, and they're mostly paired with much less attractive (personalities as well as physically) people: he with Julie Parrish, who was Dee Dee in Winter a-Go-Go, although I don't think she was wearing the unflattering blonde wig there; Annette with a very wooden Fabian, who once again doesn't sing.  Annette and particularly Frankie do, and he gets a surprisingly good, sort of Elvisy song, "My Way."  The movie is set in the South, with not only the Californian scenery unconvincingly trying to pass, but also people like the formerly Brooklynese Harvey Lembeck.

The movie has more "adult" content than the Beach Party series, with not only drinking and moonshining, but Frankie and Julie spending time together in a motel, he without his shirt, as she grabs his butt.  There's belly-dancing, with costumes that look suspiciously like Bobbi Shaw's circus outfit in Invisible Bikini.  Also, the fist fights aren't played for laughs, and Mike Nader's character dies.  (You will see it coming as soon as he has a brief bonding moment with Frankie.)  I vaguely remember trying to watch either this movie or its successor, Thunder Alley, on TV years ago but getting bored and giving up.  They're both on my DVD collection of "Frankie & Annette" movies, although this barely qualifies as an F & A movie and I think Thunder doesn't even have Frankie.  Bottom line, if you like racing or are a hardcore AIP completist, watch this with lowered standards.  All others, beware.

Besides Nader, some of the Beach Party crowd shows up, although not given much more to do than in Invisible Bikini.  Ed Garner (presumably aged up) plays the farmer, Sue Hamilton his daughter.  Beach girls turned race fans, including Fabian's "eager beavers," are Linda Opie Bent, Patti Chandler, Jo Collins, Mary Hughes, Luree Nicholson Holmes, and Salli Sachse.

Chill Wills, who plays Annette's uncle, was in It's a Gift more than thirty years earlier.  Renee Riano was the maid in Bikini Beach.  Len Lesser, who was North Dakota Pete in How to Stuff, is a man in the garage here.  Announcer Sandy Reed and Baynes Barron, Agent Bronson here, would also appear in Thunder Alley.

Beach Ball

Beach Ball
September 29, 1965
Paramount
Comedy, Musical
VHS
C-

While no one is going to argue that the AIP Beach Party movies are brilliant, they are to one degree or another fun, and they shine in comparison to this knock-off.  The leads, especially Edd Byrnes (32 and doing a bad job of passing for 20), are unsympathetic, and there aren't any minor characters to hold my interest.  However, except for some moderate (for its time) sexism, the movie is pretty innocuous, and some of the music is good or at least interesting, as when the Supremes sing not one but two surf songs, including the title track.  To balance that, the Hondells are again forgettable, and the songs that Edd allegedly writes for his friends, The Wigglers, have some of the most pathetic rhymes in pop music.  (I swear one was "day" & "day"!)  Oh, and the guys dress in drag at the end, with some of the ugliest wigs in recorded history.

Don Edmonds, who plays Bob, was Larry Neal in Gidget Goes Hawaiian.  Chris Noel (Susan) and Gail Gilmore (Deborah) were both in Girl Happy.  Aron Kincaid (Jack), Mikki Jamison (Augusta), Dick Miller (Cop #1), and Bill Sampson (no relation to the All About Eve character) all appear in Ski Party as well.  Sid Haig, who is the drummer for the Righteous Brothers here, would have a scene-stealing role as Daddy (not Big or Little) in It's a Bikini World, while Jack Bernardi, who plays Mr. Wilk, would be in IaBW as Harvey Pulp.  Larry Billman would dance in Live a Little, Love a Little as well as here.

For some definitions of "hits."

John Goldfarb, Please Come Home!

John Goldfarb, Please Come Home!
March 24, 1965
Fox
Comedy
VHS
C-

While I can't recommend this movie, even as a so-bad-it's-goodie, I suppose some might want to see it to just to say they've seen it.  (Or they have seen it, and can't believe what they saw.)  Briefly, Shirley MacLaine (much much shriekier than in The Apartment, including on the title song*) plays a frigid journalist at Strife Magazine (hardy har) whose editor Charles Lane assigns her to write a story on a harem.  Meanwhile, the title character, played by Richard Crenna, is a sort of combination of pilots Douglas Corrigan and Francis Gary Powers, with the nickname "Wrong Way," and he accidentally lands in the Arabian country of Fawzia while trying to reach Russia.  The King of Fawzia, played by Peter Ustinov, starts a football team for his son, who's been kicked off the Notre Dame team for not being Irish.  (Wouldn't they have noticed right off?)  Oh, and there are various government officials who are trying to spin the situation.

That last aspect was what I liked best, particularly since it involves the sitcom vets Jim Backus as Miles Whitepaper, Fred Clark as Heinous Overreach, Richard Deacon as Charles Maginot, and Harry Morgan as Deems Sarajevo.  Morgan gets the most memorable lines, like the one about the Russians having a case of the cutes, and his reply to Dick "Please don't squeeze the Charmin" Wilson's announcement, "Either Fawz U beats Notre Dame or John Goldfarb goes to Moscow": "Is that an ultimatum or a musical comedy title?"  I'm not saying this stuff is Dr. Strangelove level satire, but it did make me chuckle.  And it's much more palatable than the shrew-taming we get of MacLaine's character, including the "ha ha, the king wants to rape her" subplot.

The script (based on his own book), by none other than William Peter Blatty, later of The Exorcist, is remarkably sexist and anti-Arab, even for its time.  This is not just 21st-century political correctness; contemporary critics hated the movie.  Notre Dame even sued over it!  I realize that I may've made you more interested in seeing the film, so I may as well go on to list some more of its unique cast.

The harem girls include Teri Garr (I don't know under what name); Gari Hardy, who would be "Dumb Blonde" in Speedway; Paula Lane, who was in Dear Brigitte, here playing Polly Benson; Irene Tsu, who was Miss Wu in Take Her, She's Mine and would shortly be a native girl in How to Stuff a Wild Bikini; and Jane Wald, of Take Her and Dear Brigitte.  "Specialty dancer" Nai Bonet would have a more prominent role as a king's belly-dancer in the softcore Fairy Tales (1978).  The football players include James Brolin (as a quarterback); Kent McCord (later of Adam-12), who would do Girl Happy; and Red West, who was in Palm Springs Weekend and would soon be in Girl Happy.

Billy Curtis, who was a Munchkin in The Wizard of Oz, is "Little Football Player."  Chick Collins, who was a fencer in Singin' in the Rain, plays a Bedouin here.  Fred Catania, who was Wheeler's bodyguard in The Girl Can't Help It and a used car salesman in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter, has a minor role here.  Jim Shane, who was Dave in Palm Springs Weekend, is Chiang here.

Jackie Coogan (yes, Uncle Fester, here playing Father Ryan); Bedouin Jim Dawson; Milton Frome, here an Air Force general; and Olan Soule, who plays the second editor, would shortly do Girl Happy.  Telly Savalas (yes, Kojak) is Macmuid, the harem recruiter, and would be El Sleezo Tough in The Muppet Movie.  

Patrick Adiarte, who plays Prince Ammud, isn't in any of my of my other movies, but I have to note that he was both David in the Hawaiian episodes of The Brady Bunch and Ho-Jon on M*A*S*H.


*The theme pops up repeatedly in the movie, especially during the big football game at the end.  John Williams, yes, that John Williams, was the conductor.

Gidget Goes to Rome

Gidget Goes to Rome
August 7, 1963
Columbia
Comedy
VHS
C-

Released the same day as Beach Party, this is far inferior to not only the AIP series-starter, but to the previous Gidget movies.  The best thing about the movie is Don Porter in the first reel.  (He would also play Gidget's father, now a widower, in the Sally Field TV series a couple years later.)  Also, I do appreciate that they did extensive location shooting, and Rome does look good.  Unfortunately, there are these teens and post-teens cluttering the screen, too.

In the '90s comic Greg Proops would say of Luke 90210 Perry that he was "older than James Darren in the Gidget movies."  Darren was 27 by this point, and his character still has a year to go in college.  Gidget is now 18 and about to start college.  She remarks late in the movie that after visiting Rome she's "not the same person."  That's for sure!  Cindy Carol is the latest Gidget and, thanks to a script that Flippen unfortunately cowrote (rather than her soloing on Goes Hawaiian), and disappointing direction by Wendkos, C.C. plays the girl-midget as a sulky, sometimes crazy know-it-all who keeps getting into fixes that end up at the American Embassy.  (JFK's picture is on the wall, and the New York airport is still called Idlewild, a few months before the assassination.)  The two "steadies" have some moments together as a couple early on, but Jeff wants her to stop calling him Moondoggie.  (As if it wasn't a nickname from his surfer friends, rather than her!)  Soon though, he's flirting with their "Italian" (half-French) guide and dumping Gidget two years [sic] after pinning her.  He only goes back to her when the guide rejects his marriage proposal.  Meanwhile, Gidget "falls in love" with an older man, Paolo Cellini, not realizing that he's an old friend her dad asked to look after her.

The other characters aren't given much to do, although they seem to be trying really hard, especially the guests at the "international set" party.  If you feel the need to see this movie out of a sense of completeness, well, it's not too painful.

Peter Brooks, who plays Clay (the forgettable guy with the umbrella), would be in Girl Happy, as would Joby "Judge" Baker.  Cesare Danova, who's Paolo, would be Pepe Pepponi in Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Number!  Eddra Gale, who is "Fat Party Guest," would be in The Graduate.

"Yeah, and she hears voices and has delusions, too."

There's No Business Like Show Business

There's No Business Like Show Business
December 16, 1954
Fox
Musical, Historical
DVD
C-

SEE Marilyn Monroe in very revealing costumes that somehow got past the censors!
SEE Ethel Merman and Mitzi Gaynor in costumes that are remarkably unflattering!
HEAR Ethel belt out most of her lines!
HEAR no less than nine renditions of "Alexander's Ragtime Band," seven of them back to back!
SEE AND HEAR a mother-daughter salute to tattoos!
SCRATCH YOUR HEAD as you try to figure out who Dan Dailey is and how he got the lead!
FEEL Ethel and Dan's pain as their son played by Johnnie Ray comes out to them...as a priest!
YOUR MIND WILL REEL as
-Marilyn plays at least four different takes on one character, none of them convincing!!
-Donald O'Connor courts Marilyn with breadsticks!!
-Donald sings about men chasing women until the women catch them, only to be himself pursued by female Greek statues come to life!!
-Mitzi's marriage and pregnancy are treated like minor events!!
-Decades pass and the '30s and '50s melt into one, so that musical styles, phones, and women's slacks are amazingly anachronistic!!

Yes, My Friends, there is indeed no business like show business!!!

Thomas Martin played a waiter in All About Eve as well.  James Conaty was in AAE, too.  Fred Aldrich was in Sunset Blvd.  Charlotte Austin was in Marilyn's Monkey Business.  Kenner G. Kemp and Tommy Walker appeared in Singin' in the Rain.  Aladdin, George Chakiris, Stanley Hall, and Ron Nyman were in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  Colin Kenny and Matt Mattox were in both The Band Wagon and Gentlemen Prefer.

Sandra Spence would be Pa's secretary in Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki.  Lee Patrick would play Mrs. Upson in Auntie Mame.  Hal Taggart would be in Mary Poppins.

The Band Wagon

The Band Wagon
August 7, 1953
MGM
Musical, Comedy, Romance
DVD
C-

This is the last of the movies on the four-pack I bought only for Singin' in the Rain.  (Hereafter, abbreviated as SitR.)  I found The Band Wagon alternately irritating and boring, if not so bad as Minelli's Meet Me in St. Louis.  Cyd and Fred have no chemistry, except maybe as friends.  (The 22-year age difference is alluded to in the movie, but it doesn't help that Fred always looks older than he is.  The 20-year age difference between Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds in SitR is much less obvious.)  The supporting cast doesn't really contribute anything.  The play-within-the-movie (also called The Band Wagon, for unclear reasons in both cases) fails to be so-bad-it's-fun, in the way that The Dueling Cavalier is in SitR.  (Or much later, Elephant! in The Tall Guy.)  The revamped play isn't any better, although I sort of like the "Triplets" song, the only memorable tune besides "That's Entertainment."  (Not only is the latter a classic, but I thought it was noteworthy that Nanette Fabray could sing the word "sex.")  The romance aside, the plot makes no sense, including why they want the dramatic (in every sense) director to take charge of a musical.  The use of color is mostly good, even if one of the rooms is so red it would be a bit much in a brothel.  The eleven-minute "Girl Hunt Ballet" is much better than the "Broadway Melody Ballet" in SitR, but then there's no momentum for it to break up.

While this is far from the worst imaginable movie Astaire could've made, it is a letdown.  Luckily, his reputation doesn't rest on this (or Easter Parade).  Maybe in the '50s the Astairish character he's playing was a has-been and his movie costumes were being sold off for pennies, but time would be kind to Astaire's reputation.  He's certainly more of a legend than Ava Gardner, who has a cameo as herself.  (And by the '80s, movie props and costumes were doing much better at auctions.)

Helen McAllister also danced in Flying Down to Rio, twenty years earlier.  Judy Matson also sang in The Big Store.  Al Hill was in The Bank Dick.  Frank McClure was in His Girl Friday and Citizen Kane.  Jack Gargan and Harlan Hoagland were also in Citizen Kane.  Herschel Graham was in It's a Wonderful Life.  James Conaty was in All About Eve.  Fred Aldrich was in Sunset Blvd.  Manuel Paris was in Ma and Pa Kettle on Vacation.  Brick Sullivan was in a few of my earlier movies, most recently Abbott and Costello Go to Mars.  Donald Kerr also appeared in Go to Mars.

Dee Turnell was in Copacabana and SitR.  Bobby Watson was the diction coach in SitR (and often portrayed Hitler in movies).  Madge Blake played Dora Bailey (and is probably best known for her TV role as Aunt Harriet on Batman).  Jimmy Thompson was the singer of "Beautiful Girl" in SitR, while Fred Datig, Jr., played an usher, as he does here.  Lyle Clark, Marion Gray, Peggy Murray, Charles Regan, and Joette Robinson were also in SitR.  

Judy Landon and Shirley Lopez were in SitR and would be in Gentlemen Prefer.  Herman Boden, Joan Collenete, Jack Dodds, Colin Kenny, Matt Mattox, Frank Radcliffe, Jack Regas, Roberta Stevenson, and Marc Wilder would all be in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes.  Helen Dickson was in It's a Wonderful and would be in Ma and Pa Kettle at Waikiki.  Ann McCrea was in SitR and would be in Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?  Bert Stevens was in Citizen Kane and would go on to Mary Poppins.

Herb Vigran, one of the men Astaire eavesdrops on on the train, would go on to a bunch of TV guest shots, as well as the voice of Lurvy in Charlotte's Web (1973).  The other man is Emory Parnell, who's Billy Reed in many of the Ma and Pa movies.  Loulie Jean Norman would be part of the chorus for Heidi's Song.  Sue Casey would be in A Very Brady Sequel.  (She'd have a larger role in Catalina Caper, as Anne Duval, but I'm saving that movie for when I do MST3K on my eventual television blog.)

We swear, it's entertainment!

Monkey Business (1952)

Monkey Business
November 7, 1952
Fox
Comedy, Sci-Fi
DVD
C-

At the time I reviewed the Marx Brothers' 1931 movie, I didn't yet own this one.  A friend gave it to me recently, and I just now watched it for the first time in about thirty years.  I consider the film a disappointment, and I won't be keeping it.  How did so many great talents produce such mediocre results?  I mostly blame the inane script by I.A.L. Diamond (Some Like It Hot), Charles Lederer (His Girl Friday, Gentlemen Prefer Blondes), and Ben Hecht (Front Page, which inspired His Girl Friday), as it would've embarrassed Sherwood Schwartz.  At least Schwartz knew how to make crap fun, while Howard Hawks (the director and also opening narrator) just seems to have told everyone, especially leads Grant and Rogers, to act big and frantically, after the sedate beginning.  Poor Marilyn is stuck playing a simple (in every sense) curvy blonde, without the nuances she'd have in Gentlemen Prefer and Some Like, and none of the dizzy charm of her small plum of a role in All About Eve.  (As for Hugh Marlowe, he's no great shakes as an actor anyway, but at least in Eve he had more appealing things to do than get "scalped" by Grant and a gang of children.)  I'd recommend the Merlin Jones movies over this misfire, because even the monkey is pathetic here.  Still, I won't give it a lower grade, since it's not terrible, just meh.

Kathleen Freeman and Forbes Murray were in Singin' in the Rain.  Melinda Plowman was Susie Kettle in Ma and Pa Kettle.  George Eldredge was in MaPK at the Fair.  Esther Dale, here playing Ginger's mother, is Birdie Hicks in the MaPK series.  Faire Binney would be in MaPK at Waikiki.  Roger Moore (no, not that Roger Moore) would be in Gentlemen Prefer, as would Charles Coburn, Henri Letondal, and gravel-voiced little George Winslow.

The Bank Dick

The Bank Dick
November 29, 1940
Universal
Comedy
DVD
C-

Not only my least favorite W.C. Fields movie, but my least favorite movie in my collection so far.  As before, Fields is a bumbling husband and father who is saved by a deus ex machina at the end.  (Well, more like three or four.)  The movie is very unfocused, with a subplot about Fields as a film director forgotten for about an hour.  All the imagination seems to have gone into the names: the Sousé (accent gravamen over the E) family, Mackley Q. Greene, Og Oggilby, J. Frothingham Waterbury, Miss Plupp, A. Pismo Clam, and Filthy McNasty.  (I didn't say they were funny names.)  I might've gone with a C, but there's gratuitous racism.  (It can't be excused, as that in You Can't Cheat an Honest Man might be.  And, yes, I'm ignoring gratuitous sexism for the most part.)  Even Franklin Pangborn (implausibly cast as a husband and father) can't save his scenes.  And it was odd to see Shemp Howard in a straight-man role-- running the bar with the censor-bait name of "Black Pussy Cafe"-- especially when there are Stooge-like sound effects underlining how unfunny the slapstick is here.  I suggest you skip, and I don't mean in the exercise sense.

Cora Witherspoon, who was in The Women, plays Fields's wife.  Evelyn Del Rio, who portrays his younger daughter, was the crying girl in Honest Man.  Una Merkel plays his elder daughter, and would soon be in The Road to Zanzibar.  This time Grady Sutton is his potential son-in-law, and main victim.  William J. O'Brien was in A Night at the Opera, Vangie Beilby in A Day at the Races.  Russell Hicks and Dick Purcell were in Follow the Fleet.  Fay Adler, Charles Hart, and George Moran were in My Little Chickadee.   Pat West was the warden in His Girl Friday.

Joseph North was a butler in in Thank You, Jeeves! as well, but would play a secretary in Citizen Kane.  Jack Gargan was in The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle, and would also appear in Kane.  William Alston, Eddie Coke, Monty Ford, and Sam Rice are in Kane as well.  Bill Wolfe was in some earlier Fields movies and would go on to Never Give a Sucker an Even Break, as would Jack Roper and Emma Tansey.  This is the last and possibly most forgettable of Jan Duggan's appearances in Fields movies, but she would have a role in The Big Store, which features Al Hill.

We are not amused.