New York Minute

New York Minute
May 7, 2004
Warner Bros.
Comedy, Action
VHS
C+

This is so bad it's almost watchable.  Not that there isn't a lot to wince at, including some generally unfunny racism, but the whole thing is so implausible, it makes Spice World look carefully crafted.  There is a lot more plot here, and subplots, but the whole thing is so full of WTF moments that I'm going to try to limit myself to ten.  (At the time, I wrote a very lengthy review/inventory, listing about 70 cliches, stereotypes, and implausibilities.)

1. Why did they steal the dad as gynecologist father of two very different sisters thing from 10 Things I Hate About You? And then cast Dr. Drew and have there be no pay-off, plotwise or otherwise?
2. Why, after all the attempts to distinguish between Mary-Kate and Ashley, is there a section where they wear matching outfits?
3. Why does the more conservative twin keep ending up implied-nude?
4. Why is Jack Osbourne attempting an American accent, and not very consistently either?
5. Why, if you have a purple VW Bug, would you try to take the train into New York, especially since you don't have a ticket or any plan beyond hiding in the restroom?
6. Why is there a running motif of people getting things spilled on them?
7. Why does a small dog take an entire day and yet fail to crap out a secret microchip, and why doesn't anyone think to take it to the vet?
8. How is that Jane wins a scholarship on the basis of the notes for her speech?
9. If time is of the essence, shouldn't one version of a makeover at the House of Bling (no, I am not making that up) be sufficient?
10. How could they cast Andrea Martin as Senator Anne Lipton (owner of the dog) and Eugene Levy as a truant officer and give the SCTV-ers only one moment together?

Trust me, this is just the tip of the iceberg, and I haven't even mentioned the Bob Saget cameo.

Jon Benjamin, who's the "I Love NY" Vendor, had provided the voice of the Can of Vegetables in Wet Hot American Summer (a role he'll be reprising on the TV series). This time animal-voice-actor Frank Welker provides Reinaldo Vocal Effects.  Jo Chim, who's got a very small role as Ma Bang's Assistant, had recently been the snooty Salesperson in Mean Girls.

Pre-bling

Mid-bling

Corporate bling

Aladdin

Aladdin
November 25, 1992
Disney
Children's, Comedy, Romance, Musical
VHS
B

I had fallen off the Disney bandwagon by the time their late '80s/ early '90s comeback came along.  Seeing most of these movies years later, I was not overly impressed.  But this one stood out.  It's funny, sweet, action-packed, and has strong voice performances, with Robin Williams's genie of course the stand-out, although I'm fond of Gilbert Gottfried as the evil parrot Iago.  The movie is also borderline racist and there are parts where things start to drag out.  The main characters aren't terribly sympathetic, although they do have much more personality than your average Disney "prince" and princess.  But for the most part it's a fun ride.

When Williams killed himself, this was one of the movies people thought of most.  Although we don't see him, we hear him, that very versatile voice playing so many roles within one.  His two show-stopping numbers remain amazing (and more worthy of an Oscar than "I Can Show You the World"), but it's not all laughs.  There's pathos, too, which was always there inside Williams, although we tried not to see it.  But, yes, it's still possible to watch this as a kids' movie that adults will delight in, too.  And, yes, the anachronisms and Disney references are very '90s.

Linda Larkin (Joanne in Zapped Again!) voices Princess Jasmine.  Hal Smith does the voice of Jafar's Horse.  Frank Welker, who specializes in animal voices, here does Abu (the monkey) Rajah (the tiger), and the cat-like Cave of Wonders.  Ron Clements and John Musker would also collaborate on The Princess and the Frog.

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking

Annika's not even whiny!  And, no, that's not a plus.

The New Adventures of Pippi Longstocking
July 29, 1988
Columbia
Children's, Comedy, Musical, Fantasy
VHS
C-

Maybe it's generational bias, but I just can't get into this late '80s take compared to the badly dubbed but endearing European imports of my childhood.  The thing is, although this claims to be "new," there are a lot more adventures recycled from the Inger Nilsson series than from the books.  I'm pretty sure the cows eating Tommy and Annika's clothing only happens in Pippi on the Run, not to mention the appearance of that movie's "glue man" character, here played by Dick Van Patten.  What is new in this version includes things of dubious value: lots of songs, or rather a handful of songs repeated ad nauseam; a setting that's vaguely Florida in the Truman era; and Pippi facing setbacks that make me think Irving Thalberg came back from the dead and advised Ken Annakin.  The Pirate Movie director wrote and directed this, and we can see such PM touches as beefcake (Hello, Fridolf!), talking animals (one voiced by Frank Welker), an ice-cream salesman, and of course pirates.

The Thalbergization is seen in the way the title character (played by relatively over-the-hill but eager thirteen-year-old Tami Erin) is handled.  Yes, she still has strength, spunk, and magic powers, but she twice shows fear, something the book's Pippi (and of course Nilsson's) never did.  Worse than that, while the Pippi of twenty years ago successfully fended off the threats of robbers and a children's home, this Pippi ends up in an orphanage (run by Eileen Brennan, who can't decide if she's auditioning for Annie or playing a well-meaning overworked social worker).  There's an interwoven thread about evil real-estate developers (hey, things had changed in Florida in the 60 years since Cocoanuts) wanting Pippi's house.  Oh, and this was what really sunk the movie for me: even though Pippi has her traditional interest in art, she never brightens up Villa Villekulla when she gets out her painting supplies, and it remains drab and gray.

All that said, I don't hate this movie.  It's harmless enough, especially for kids under the age of maybe 9.

Heidi's Song

Heidi's Song
November 19, 1982
Hanna-Barbera
Children's, Comedy, Drama, Musical
VHS
C+

This came out almost a decade after H-B's version of Charlotte's Web, but, although it has some things in common, including some voice talents, it's nowhere near that level of quality.  In fact, I'd say it's closer as an animated adaptation of a children's classic to Pinocchio in Outer Space.  The songs are weak, sometimes poorly sung (Heidi's songs are all off-key), and sometimes with laughable lyrics, most notably in "That's What Friends Are For," which offers the dubious message that jumping in the water to save a drowning friend when you can't swim is admirable.  (It doesn't work symbolically either.)  There's also a lot of pointless, unfunny slapstick.

On the plus side, I like the look of the film for the most part, the scenery especially, both the mountain and the town.  The animals, other than the deliberately ugly rats and dogs, are cute.  Lorne Greene as Grandfather and Sammy Davis, Jr. as Head Ratte [sic] are a bit over the top but add to the fun.  There are also two '60sish psychedelic sequences, one with Sammy of course, and the other with Heidi dreaming of mountain spirits.  (It's worth noting that Robert Taylor was also writer-director for The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat.)  The movie isn't overly faithful to the book but it's not way off either.

Pamelyn Ferdin, by then 23, sounds much the same as Klara as she did as Fern in CWeb.  Joan Gerber, who does the voice for Fraulein Rottenmeier, was a Hanna-Barbera mainstay, and she provided voices for both Mrs. Zuckerman and Mrs. Fussy in CWeb.  Berlin-born Fritz Feld, who does a very Von-Stroheim characterization of Sebastian, has credits going back to 1917, and in fact was Jardinet in At the Circus, as well as Mr. Jackman in Freaky Friday.   Frank Welker, who voices both Hootie the Owl and Schnoodle the Dog, was the narrator in Zorro: The Gay Blade.  (He's still very busy as a voice actor.)

Sue Allen was a chorus girl in Singin' in the Rain, while Loulie Jean Norman was a singer in The Band Wagon.  Other chorus members-- John Richard Bolks, Ida Sue McCune, Gene Merlino, Paul Sandberg, and Robert Tebow-- sang in CWeb.

Heidi is trippin', Man!

Everything's better with kittens!

Zorro: The Gay Blade

Zorro: The Gay Blade
July 17, 1981
Fox
Comedy, Romance, Historical
VHS
C

This is a slow-moving, innocuous movie with stereotypes, gay and otherwise, as well as virtually a one-man show for George Hamilton as twin brothers with multiple identities, and costumes.  Like The Pirate Movie the following year, the film has many false starts and almost-endings, but with Pirate M that only adds to the insanity, while here it prevents maintaining momentum.  There are mildly funny moments, like the "Don Jose from San Bernardino" scene, but the movie never really goes anywhere.  Also, it doesn't seem to know if it wants to be a parody, a political satire, a romance, or what.  There are worse ways to kill time, but there are definitely better ones, including other movies from '81.

Whipping master Norman Blankenship was "Man Beating Woman" in The Gong Show Movie.  Paco Morayta, Ramirez here, was Flok in Caveman.  Donovan Scott, who plays Paco, was Castor Oyl in Popeye.  Narrator Frank Welker would provide voices for both Schnoodle and Hootie in Heidi's Song.  Dick Balduzzi, 53 in the role of Old Man here, was a truck driver in Foul Play and would be a prisoner in Johnny Dangerously.

Only George Hamilton could steal scenes from himself.